The Origin Story
Gary and Justin once shared a cramped apartment with a roommate named Brandon—an evolutionary biology grad student whose thesis was titled “Adaptive Desensitization: Sciuridae Behavioral Shifts in Suburban Predator Recognition.” In normal terms? He studied how squirrels, over generations, stopped being afraid of corgis.
What started as background noise—Brandon ranting about “selective apathy in eastern gray squirrels”—eventually turned into inspiration. One late night, after a few beers and a failed attempt to keep Gary’s corgi from treeing a squirrel, the idea clicked: Killer Corgis.
Citation:
Andrews, Brandon L. Adaptive Desensitization: Sciuridae Behavioral Shifts in Suburban Predator Recognition. University of Northern New Jersey, 2021. Master’s Thesis.
The Breeds that Failed
Benny, Mastiff
Why Benny the Mastiff Was a Gentle Giant, Not a Hunter
Benny had the size to intimidate any squirrel, but none of the interest. He moved at his own pace slow, deliberate, and preferably toward a nap spot. When squirrels ran, Benny just watched… and sometimes yawned. Intimidating in theory, but in practice? More of a mobile ottoman than a predator.
He may not have caught a single squirrel, but he captured every heart. Rest in peace, sweet Benny.
Marvin, Beagle
Marvin was the original college dog. Saved from the mean streets of Auburn, Alabama. Rumored to have the natural killer instinct.
Marvin was our first test subject in the war on squirrels—a brave little beagle with a big heart and an even bigger appetite. Unfortunately, his food motivation outweighed his focus. Every rustle in the bushes was ignored in favor of anyone who might have a snack. We had high hopes for Marvin, and he gave it his all… but in the end, treats won. May he rest in peace, and never go a moment without a cronch.
Jax and Miles, Great Dane & Blob
Why Jax the Great Dane Failed
With their towering size and long reach, Great Danes seemed like a logical next step—surely they could snag squirrels mid-climb. Enter Jax, a gentle giant with promise. Unfortunately, he was trained using Goldfish crackers and developed a one-track mind. If it wasn’t cheddar-flavored and shaped like a fish, he wasn’t interested. Jax is no longer with us, but his legacy of misplaced priorities lives on. Rest easy, big guy.
Why Miles the Mixed Breed Wasn’t the Answer
Miles was our bold attempt at introducing a mixed breed into the program. Sadly, Miles was… built for comfort, not speed. The squirrels quickly figured it out—some even taunted him mid-trot. When the prey doesn’t bother to flee, you know it’s over.
The Golden Retriever
Why Golden Retrievers Failed as Squirrel Killers
Despite their athleticism and loyalty, golden retrievers failed miserably in squirrel elimination trials. Their overwhelming desire to befriend the enemy, wagging tails and all, made them more likely to offer the squirrel a stick than chase it. Great dogs—terrible assassins.
Why Zeke Failed
Zeke had the heart of a lion and the attention span of a goldfish. He’d begin the chase strong—ears back, full sprint—only to get distracted by a butterfly or a distant tennis ball. Every. Single. Time.
Why Kollyns Failed
Kollyns believed in diplomacy. She once gently cornered a squirrel and then sat down, tail wagging, waiting for it to approach. It did. She panicked. The squirrel escaped. We never recovered from the embarrassment.
The Australian Shepard
We had high hopes for Australian Shepherds, their intelligence, agility, and herding instincts made them seem like ideal squirrel hunters. We tested more candidates from this breed than any other. But every single one failed, each in their own special way. Some tried to herd the squirrels. Others got too caught up in complex strategies. One even tried to teach a squirrel tricks. Brilliant dogs, just not built for the kill.
Barkley
Barkley had the drive, the energy, and the speed, but absolutely none of the discipline. Turns out, she’s spoiled rotten. Instead of chasing squirrels, she developed a singular obsession with ears. The only thing he hunted was affection… and earlobes.
Wilson
Wilson had the build and the bark, but not the focus. Raised by diehard UGA fans, he developed a tendency to wander the neighborhood and bark at anything under four feet tall especially children in rival team colors. Squirrels? Barely on his radar.
Archie
Archie had potential—strong legs, sharp eyes, and a nose that could track anything. Unfortunately, that nose led him straight to the kitchen. He spent more time trying to hop on counters for cookies than even noticing squirrels existed. Sweet tooth: 1. Mission: 0.
Maggie
Maggie gave it her all, but age caught up with her before focus ever did. More interested in belly rubs than backyard battles, she’d often abandon the chase the moment someone extended a hand. Affection over aggression Maggie chose love every time.
Copper, Cocker Spaniel
Copper, a determined little cocker spaniel, was a force to be reckoned with, moles, birds, lizards, none stood a chance. But when it came to squirrels, his winning streak ended. They were simply too quick, too clever. Still, Copper gave it everything he had and earned his place as a valiant fighter in the field. A true good boy. May he rest in peace.